def thought this was over...
wow, okay. i was completely wrong to think that i might actually be happy for once. nope that ended quick. the only thing that has made me happy in like a year, left. and yeah, it's coming back. but not soon enough. i need it now. ive gotten back to the oldddd me. the me that is in horrible moods and cant explain why. the me that doesnt even want to hang out with her friends bc she knows she wont have fun no matter whats going on. the me that cries myself to sleep everynight. the me that cant even stand to look in the mirror anymore bc im that disgusted with myself. i cant even laugh anymore. theres nothing for me to smile about at this point. everything i thought was good, is slowly turning to shit and i dont know why. i dont know what im doing differently to make myself feel this way. i dont understand why ive been getting migraines everyday for the past week. i dont know why sometimes im mean to people i love for absolutely no reason (sorry about that dina). i no longer have motivation for anything. not school, not work, not life. nothing. this is the me that i hated. miserable, depressed and alone. i cant figure out a way to express myself to make people understand how miserable i am. lately- the whole Zach thing has been bothering me again. and i dont know why sometimes i even think about it. i know its just going to make me upset. it always will. i hate the fact that i smoke cigs, i know im not addicted, and yet i cannot stop myself from doing it. ive been lieing to my parents about it now for the past month. that kills me. i blatently just lie to their face. "chris do you smoke?" "no" LIE!. i dont know how they would react if one day i actually said yes. i hate that the stupidest little things will make me cry. i hate that im such a bitch all the time bc im defensive bc i hate talking to people when im upset and yet people always feel theneed to ask why im in a bad modd and continue to ask, just stop. i hate that my parents ignore the fact that i tell them everyday i want to see a psychiatrist. my mom just keeps telling me calm down. no, if it were just a bad mood, it would be over by now. its not. i need help. get me some. thx. i hate that i have to pretend all of the time to be happy just so that people wont ask whats wrong. i hate this feeling. it has to go away soon. all i want is for Mike to come home. the day he left Dina cried bc she didnt want to see me unhappy bc Mike is the only thing that makes me happy. she said when i was with him it was the happiest she'd seen me in months. and now, he's gone, and im sure that im somehow going to fuck it up. i dont know how, or why. but i am. it scares me how much i care about him. i dont want to get hurt again. and everyone says hes an amazing guy for me, which is even more scary. what if he is, and i do something stupid, like i always do, and i lose him forever? then im completely fucked. i dont even know what else to say.